Seriously, God...are you not enough?

"I'm satisfied by You alone. Just one touch from You oh Lord. Reach within my heart and make it new. Oh, I must have more of You." Brian Johnson, "More of You Less of Me"

Jun 21, 2024

Hello! My name is Daniel (or Shiwon). I am going to be a second-year student at Ohio State and soon reaching my one-year anniversary with Christ! I pray that Christ will be strong in my weakness and that the Holy Spirit will work in each individual reading the Seriously God blogs.

I am going on a mission trip to the Philippines (there now). People around me have been asking for months whether my heart is prepared for this mission trip or not. To answer all those questions, no, I haven’t been ready at all. I am pretty well prepared in regards to packing, I think, but my heart hasn’t been prepared at all.

For the past three months, I have been losing my love for the Lord. A slump, as you should say. I slowly lost my hunger for the Lord, and as a result of that, my heart got filled with filth after filth, stacking up altogether. I was starting to become like my old self before I accepted Christ as my Lord. Sins that I have overcome in this sanctification process a long time ago were coming back and temptations to commit those sins grew so much.

As I saw these impurities slowly stacking up once again, I cried desperately to the Lord for help. Since I cannot change my own heart with my own power, I asked God, “Help me. Change my heart. Make me be like You. You are the only one who can possibly change a human heart. You have done it to me before, so do it again.”

Praying this, I asked God to give me a supernatural miracle. Just like He has shown various signs in the Bible like He did to Paul and Moses. I wanted something like that so I could never deny my faith. This was my prayer consistently for three months straight and I eventually gave up because nothing would change. God would not answer.

I ended up talking to a sister in Christ about my situation and asked, “What do I do if I want to curse at God? I know God doesn’t listen to prayers that come from a dishonest heart. What do I do?”

She answered, “Be open to God and be honest. Even if it is an angry prayer to God. He will listen.”

The next day at a morning prayer I prayed to God a bitter prayer, releasing all my pent-up frustration and anger at Him.

“God! Why don’t you save me from this mess? You see myself getting impure, turning more sinful, and not being hungry for You. Aren't You the one who changes hearts? Then why are You not changing me? You are terrible! You just sit there and watch like a coward! Are You even listening? Do something!”

All of a sudden, my heart became quiet. My prayer and my complaining suddenly became silent.

Then, an image was brought to my head. There was a cross on top of a hill, with Jesus nailed to it with blood all over his body, wearing a crown of thorns and dead. There was also a light coming from the sky shining the cross in the midst of a dark background.

Then, I suddenly heard a gentle but loud voice saying four words. “Is this not enough?”

Pierced by those four words, I wept for about 30 minutes.

I realized how blind I had become. Because of my doubts trickling in, I ended up forgetting the foundation of my faith and why I was even saved in the first place. The greatest and most powerful miracle: the cross. I said all the time that I was satisfied by Jesus alone, but that’s not what it turned out to be. Do I truly understand the miracle, power, grace, love, and mercy that comes from the cross? Who am I to ask the person who got mocked, spat on, pierced for our transgressions, for more? Who do I think I am?

I also expected God to come and work in a certain way, which was the outcome of a prideful heart, which made me miss the works he has been doing during the three months. I was a Pharisee, or worse than a Pharisee, who plotted to kill Jesus even after admitting seeing the signs and wonders He did. They said, “What are we to do? For this man performs many signs. If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and our nation.” (John 11:47-48). Just like the Pharisees, my pride had blinded me from seeing how Jesus has been working in my life.

Through this revelation God has also revealed to me that even if He revealed His glory to me like He did to Paul and Moses, I would either be a Pharisee and choose not to believe out of the blindness of my heart or be doubtful like the spectators in Acts 2:12-13. Many of us often think that we would be like Paul if God revealed himself to us with a bright light or think that we would be like Moses if a burning bush talked to us. But, the case is that even if God did, most of us would not believe, including me. So may God have mercy on us and give us that faith. This is all because I don’t understand the cross and appreciate it and I think I’m greater than God to tell Him what to do.

God is powerful. Most cases, He doesn’t speak a lot, but when He does, it is short and piercing. All God had to do was speak four words for this revelation to happen.

As I am writing this on the plane to the Philippines for the mission trip, I see God’s grace, mercy, and love towards me. If it was not for His mercy on me, I would still be filled with a bitter heart, full of anguish towards God. My heart is not completely prepared for the mission trip, but my focus for this trip has changed. God has filled me with a hint of compassion and the love we must have inside us that breaks for others. He has also removed the blindness making me miss His coming.

When I go on my mission trip, I want to remember those words God has spoken to me and continue to remember the message behind the cross. I mean, how can I share the message of the cross and evangelize if I don't even understand it myself? How am I supposed to speak about God’s love if I don’t even know what that means?

Please pray for me while I am away for two months if you have the chance. You don’t have to read the section below, but they are my prayer requests focused on the mission trip.

Number one: Not to expect God to come in a certain way, but to have an open heart for God to come however it pleases Him.

In this testimony I just shared, I expected God to come in a certain way, leading me to three months of blindness. I don't want this to happen again because I don't dictate how God moves and when He moves. It’s like me waiting for God to come in through the front door when He has been planning all along to come through the back. I don’t want to miss God’s coming on my mission trip because of my arrogant heart.

I’ve also been struggling with self-righteousness and pride lately, so it leads to my 2nd prayer request: To bring not my own, but God’s glory to and back from the mission trip.

Number 3: Safety and health. The Philippines has been having high crime rates and terrorism with mosquito-infected diseases and on top of that, water contamination. So please pray for my safety and health.

Number 4: To be a different person when I come back. I want to come back in a much more grown faith.

Number 5: For God to use me to minister, to be a blessing, and to be blessed by others.

When do we feel Jesus isn’t enough in our lives? Is there any pride or something we hold on to that might be blocking Christ’s conviction in our hearts?
Let’s also pray for Daniel on his trip

Seriously, God?

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