Seriously, God...do I need to pick a lane to follow you?
There are so many ministries, denominations, and agendas in Christ's name. Do I need really need pick one direction?
This is dogxim—a hybrid fox and domesticated dog.
She had been struck by a car when they found her in 2021 in Brazil. Dogxim had this strange fox-like face, but barked like a dog. She didn’t like dog food and preferred hunting rats, but her eyes looked like your favorite local Fido rather than a wild animal. Her actions and appearance never quite fit in a category, so they made one just for her.
For most of my life I feel like I’ve been trying to fit in a category in my school, work, marriage, parenthood, and even in my spiritual and religious life. A lot of my angst then comes from me not fitting in those categories. As a leader, I’m too indecisive. As an expert, I’m too definitive. As a Christian leader, I’m not spiritual enough. Politically, I can be too conservative, but won’t vote party line. It seems all the successful people I’ve met picked a lane in life and ran with it. Their brands, even as Christians, are clear and accessible to whomever they were trying to reach. You are a hardcore Bible-based person. Or you are a sold-out charismatic. You are a strong church planter or perhaps a dynamite praise leader. Yet, when it come to my faith I feel like Dogxim, a hybrid of everything and unexplainable to most—never really satisfying anyone else’s expectations. Truly, only beholden to God’s expectations, I shouldn’t care what others think, but yet it is others who are the ones who expect something from me. It feels like I never reach their expectations.
There is the term jack of all trades or “good at everything, master of none.” I have definitely felt that way in most things, especially my faith. In my versatility, I feel like I can be useful, but yet I feel like I’m not making anyone really happy. Why am I not more Reformed? Why am I not more progressive? Why do I not show more compassion to some? Why am I too compassionate to others? Am I just a compromised Christian—not spiritual enough, not conservative enough, not social justice-oriented enough, not anything-anyone-else-wants enough?
Out of all this noise in my life, there is one statement that hurts the most to hear—that I lack conviction. That is the final blow to my pride. In all my perceived wishy washiness, indecisiveness, doubt, and generalist tendencies, apparently I’ve confused myself and I lack conviction. What people don’t understand is that I want a pure conviction, one without ego and pride—the kind that I imagine those Desert Fathers in the 3rd and 4th century sought when they decided they would rather live in the desert in isolation. According to the Monastery of Christ in the Desert, “they wanted to commit themselves totally (body, soul, mind, and will) to being a disciple of the Lord Jesus with a profound holy zeal moving them to become ever more like Christ.” People would go out to the desert to talk with them or gain guidance, some even living alongside each other in the desert, but there were no massive ministries, large charitable drives, or organized much of anything. The western monks made large monasteries. The eastern monks went into isolation in the desert. I would be lying to myself and others if I claimed even an ounce of Desert Father zealousness, but hiding away for a while and only caring about how I am doing with God and helping whoever wants to sit in the sand with me sounds great.
People often ask me—what’s your calling, what’s your ministry, what cause do you care about, what are your goals for next year? What if my answer was, “I don’t know and possibly I don’t care”? That answer would likely make you conclude that I lack conviction. Well, you may be right, but what I know right now is that I feel like I need to be a real disciple of Christ. And maybe that’s what I’ll need for a very long time. And maybe I just need to be around others who feel the same way. I have been trying to please everyone when it comes to my faith and even lead some, but everyone seems to have some kind of agenda. For once, I want to just please God and be without an agenda. Just be myself, fear God, and not fit into a category.
Proverbs 9:10, The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.
Where do you fall “in-between” in your faith?
Do you feel you need to fall into a specific Christian category?