Seriously, God...do you want us to teach others or serve them?
With what do you spread jam or peanut butter--a butter knife or spoon?
For a few weeks I have been home a lot more often (I will explain more soon enough), but in being home I have been eating a lot more meals with my wife. Even though we have been married for almost 15 years, you still get to learn new quirks and habits about a person when you spend spurts of time together like I have been doing now. One thing I’ve noticed is she uses a spoon to spread things like jam, peanut butter, or avocado.
It drives me mad.
For me, I use a tried-and-true butter knife to manipulate all things spread and find it doed an adequate…maybe excellent job. No material is left on the knife after I’m done and if there is residue, I can slide it off on the edge of my toast. Nothing is wasted. When she uses a spoon, she scoops the jam with the concaved side and spreads with the convex side. There is some sense to this, but the amount I have to maneuver my wrist to ensure max spread and minimum waste seems like a lot. When she asks for a spoon to do this, I often ask her why she uses a spoon. I just want to know the psychology. Of course I give her the spoon, but it isn’t with slight resistance. Wanting to take the most efficient or effective path to a goal—in this case spreading something on toast evenly and without waste—I use a butter knife. Likely having a different goal—ease and cleanliness of scooping—she uses a spoon.
Again, not my favorite choice, but these are how some of our morning meals start.
Thanks to a friend, my wife and I got to eat at a nice steakhouse for lunch all paid by gift cards. Since it was lunch, we didn’t go full out, but a free meal always tastes a little better. Sitting side by side at a half oval bench, we looked around the large room taking in the large ceilings, set tables, and light jazz background music. It was likely too early for any lunch rush, so we literally had the entire place to ourselves.
As one would imagine the service was really good since it was a reputable establishment, and there was no one else to serve but us. Water was prompt, bread fresh, and our waiter was all smiles. Once the food was out, he left us alone to talk about our children and new school year. When we didn’t finish all our food, we asked for to-go boxes. I assumed he would give us the boxes to handle the food ourselves, and in some ways I wanted to pack it myself because I was embarrassed to take the complimentary bread home. But at the end of meal, he promptly came out set up the boxes on a tray and asked us what we’d like to pack—no judgement or question. Whatever we asked to pack he would pack. This leftover bacon my wife didn’t eat in her sandwich…of course. This partial eaten bread I had nibbled on. Not a problem. If I asked to take a spoon of knife, he might not have even cared. Well this place wasn’t that high end, so he wouldn’t do that, but besides that it was clear, in this moment, he existed to serve us.
After lunch I wondered—if my wife asked for an extra spoon to spread her ketchup on her sandwich bun would he have questioned her ask or use of the spoon? Based on his posture with us and demeanor I don’t think he’d care. He could give suggestions and perhaps steer us another direction, but it would be without judgment. If the mademoiselle wanted a spoon—she would have a spoon!
Between husband and wife, we may not be literal servants to each other, but who else would I live out this verse if not her?
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14
This waiter’s service showed me I am more occupied with teaching someone something (including my wife) rather than serving a person. Everything becomes about right and wrong, effective or not. Many of us have spent our lives being taught first then served…by parents, teachers, pastors, etc. Some lessons were valuable to us, some we misconstrued, but the lessons that really stuck were always accompanied by their sacrifice and service…along with the lesson.
To serve someone doesn’t mean we do not question that person, but asking probing questions to better serve them is pretty different than teaching a person a specific lesson. Both can be motivated by love, which matters most, but a position of servitude inherently starts at a place of flexibility. You aren’t sure where the tasks will go, but you fulfill what the person needs. Teaching a lesson has a specific agenda from start to finish which can’t be compromised or the lesson lost. Could it be that we start by serving someone and the necessary lessons are byproducts that come when ready? We treat interactions and life like a classroom that is designed to teach, but life is far more circuitous and layered. I’m sure this is all a struggle for me because of my general impatience because I do know sometimes it’s just easier to teach when you are busy. A lack of time should not dictate how I live and love though. I tell my kids to not cut corners all the time and prioritize. Time for me to take my own lesson.
Do you ever teach rather than serve? Is it because others did that to you?
Which relationship can you start over and re-enter it with a heart of serving?