Seriously, God...has a bitter root developed in my heart without me knowing?
I'm thankful for so much, but my greatest disappointment seems to pull me back in to a darker place with its nasty gravitational pull.
For my next few installments, I’m going to write about disappointment. The last time I delved into disappointment was a year and half ago in this post:
After my father passed and the church he led for 30+ years basically imploded (that’s purposely hyperbolic because in my heart it did) I am realizing that I have grown very bitter over that disappointment. Most tell me it wasn’t his fault or you can’t control what people do in tense situations, but I have come to realize that the unfolding of my life-long home church (again my hyperbole) was truly the greatest disappointment in my life up to this point. It was part of my identity and it’s gone. Perhaps it wasn’t supposed to have such a place in my heart, but it hurts.
Losing my dad hurt, but sadness is different than bitterness. Before all this, I have never once questioned my faith after becoming a Christian in my late elementary years at a small church camp one late summer. My faith felt like a steady cruise boat sailing in open and calms seas. Don’t get me wrong because I have had lots of difficulty, challenge, and disappointment since then, but for so long I knew God was good and real. I do recognize some of that foundation was my father and church and was only time before it unraveled a bit. The Lord tests us for good purpose.
I lost one part of my foundation a few years ago, but the other (my church) didn’t feel like something I had to lose. I have never been so confused and hurt by the actions of others and it has shaken me to the point I’ve been asking myself a question I’ve never asked before—Is God real? Maybe we are all just playing some big stupid Darwinian game. Many who have deconstructed have likely been pushed to this very point not because of their disappointment with God but rather the bitterness stemming from the actions of those who represent Christ. My new pastor says it well, “Most people don’t accept the claims of Christ…not because they see failure in those claims but because the church disappoints them. They grow bitter.
I’ve grown bitter, and I hate what it has made me become.
I’m less hopeful. I’m indifferent. I don’t get as excited. I worry more. I don’t feel physically as healthy. Some may say I’ve been depressed, which is likely true, but a bitter root feels like something more twisted inside of me rather than empty. It leaves me uneasy and without peace.
In my life, there is so much to be joyful and thank for—I really like my new job and people I work with, I think the new pastor I work with is a great man of God with a vision, and my family continues to grow and mature as one would hope. But yet I still feel the gravitational pull of the last four and a half years and all the disappointment of my church. It’s a bitter root, and it’s time for it to go.
In the days to come, I’m going to be praying, searching, and talking with others about this bitter root. I’m know I’m going hear the gamut of recommendations around forgiveness, asking for inner healing, praying against spiritual stronghold, and everything in-between. I will share everything I can as it comes, and I pray the Lord will do a work in me and all those who have been stung by disappointment. Instead of avoiding it, I want to untangle this knot in my heart and stomach.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Thank you for being so vulnerable. I know that was really hard to write for the public to read. The scripture definitely hit hard for me. For you to acknowledge that bitterness shows your accountability.