Seriously God...I try to shut you out, but you still have a heart for me?
"Truth is I'm tired. Options are few. I'm trying to pray. But where are You?" Tamela Mann, "Take Me To the King"
My name is Franchesca. I go by Fran or Franny. I was born and raised in the Midwest. I grew up with a lot of siblings…seven siblings. My parents didn’t have much, but they made it seem like we had it all. In some ways we really did have it all—we grew up in a two parent household and we got to see what a marriage was like between husband and wife.
I have always dreamed of having a husband with children and a loving home.
Growing up, my dad was the provider and my mom had side jobs to help with finances, but during the day she was a stay-at-home mom. My mom worked around the clock to make sure we were taken care of and had everything we needed. My mom doesn’t have a high diploma but she always told us that she wanted her kids to be better than her and get our diplomas. All of my siblings got their high diploma or GED. I know my parents struggled, but for some reason they made it seem easy. All I had to do was focus on school which made me blind to the different things that my peers faced. I guess it was just easy doing school and just being a kid.
With everything I experienced, one of my goals was to get married and have children. I hoped for something traditional. What I mean is a married couple living under one roof raising their children. I also wanted to graduate high school, college, work, and start a career.
Now in my current situation I have a son, and I feel as though I created a broken home for my son. I wanted to marry my son's dad and raise him in a healthy two parent home, but it didn’t happen that way. I had my son out of wedlock, and I began to see the red flags in my relationship. I didn’t recognize the person I had become when I was with my son’s father. We definitely brought out the worst in each other.
Even though that was my first serious relationship, I know how we treated each other was not love. One of things I remember from the Bible is 1 Corinthians 13:4,
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
At first I was in love but somewhere down the line I think that God started to remove the blindfold from my eyes. Then resentment, anger, sadness and bitterness took over my heart. In a way those were some of the same feelings I felt before when I was younger. When I was about 11 or 12 I was sexually assaulted. That was the moment my innocence was taken away, and I began to look at life and God differently. Those feeling were a trigger for me…a trigger that pushed my back into the closet.
Psalm 34:18: "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".
The night I was assaulted I sat in my closet crying feeling disgusted. I felt like it was my fault and now I was corrupt. I thought God was mad at me for letting it happen…I should have been stronger. I blamed myself and told myself since my innocence was gone I was no longer God’s daughter. I will never be loved or wanted by any man. I was mean and bitter for a while. I shut people out and my trust in males was gone.
The only men I trusted were my father, brothers, and grandfather. My relationship with God diminished and it was gone. I went to church because it was a rule that everyone in the household had to go— no if and and buts about it. For years I just went through life as if nothing happened but in reality…I still remember that day and the closet I went to when I got home. I cried and eventually fell asleep hugging myself. Not really knowing why but my past just resurfaces especially when a man makes me feel unsafe, I revert to the closet. I sit in the closet to block out my feelings and try to let my mind go blank to feel nothing.
The same way I shut my feelings out was the same way I shut God out now. Even though I shut him out, I still felt his presence sometimes. He is definitely moving around me and as of right now I don’t know what the future entails, but I know that eventually I will open up to God. To be honest, I think he is going to use my son to do it. I think by being a parent now I will understand God’s heart for me. Once I let God in…I know there is where I will find my healing and my peace.
From the SG? Team: What makes you want to shut out God? What disappointments, resentment, or bitterness? Let’s go the King together.
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