Seriously, God...my mom is a single person in the view of the IRS?
Your singleness can be used by God, but are our churches ready to foster it?
I used to outsource my mom’s taxes to her long-time accountant, but I have started doing them myself considering if I’m going to collect all the documents anyway then I might as well finish it off and save some money. As her accountant, the one thing that is most jarring when I file for her is when I have to choose my mom’s relationship status—single or married.
Each time I look for a choice for widow. Just seems right to acknowledge all her years of life with someone, but in reality she is single. It is a reminder that all you have is what you have right now. Right now she is a single person. Sadly, it feels like she is in a lesser state than she was before, but when I consider that thought I realize that shouldn’t be true. She isn’t the same, but is it less?
Someone told me they knew a recent widow that lost her husband of 71 years. I couldn’t believe anyone could be with one person that long. For everyone multi-decade partnership, there are so many who aren’t going to be wedded to someone for 71 years or ever wedded. In some countries, entire generations of people aren’t getting married. Korea is a prime example of this reversal.
I’ve been praying for my mother that she will live the remainder of her years full of life and service. Her dementia strongly limits her ability to interact with others like she used to, but when she prays I’m amazed how lucid she sounds. The Holy Spirit can still speak when a dementia-ridden woman prays.
Singleness doesn’t have to mean less influential.
There is a difference between what a single person can do versus a married person, but it cuts both ways. I can’t keep up with college students’ lifestyles because my lifestyle is different. I want to believe my mother, in her singleness, can live a full life with family and community. For those who decide to stay single, become widowed. or get divorced, I wonder how they will operate in our churches considering how geared they become to family structures. It’s not a knock on church culture because it’s families that take up so much bandwidth and focus from a ministry perspective, but what makes sense in our churches for our singles—young, middle-aged, or elderly?
I know a group in the UK who ministers to those who struggle with same-sex attraction, but have vowed to ascribe to a traditional reading of Scripture. This means they decide to stay single and celibate which is a huge cost that I can only honor and respect. But what do they do for fellowship when marriage isn’t the goal? What is the kind of love they can experience with others that is godly and full? This isn’t just a matter for those who are same-sex attracted and take a vow of celibacy, but for anyone who is single. How do they exist in churches that are so family-centric?
To the IRS, my mother is single and only worthy of a single standard deduction. To us, she is still Mom. To God she is His daughter. To a church—is she just an elderly, single woman with dementia? Our younger single people—are they people who just need to get married? Our middle-aged singles—are they people who are running out of time? None of these outlooks seems satisfying, but I am without any practical solution. If you file your taxes as a single, just remember that’s how the IRS sees you, but you are more than that in our churches and communities. You all deserve a bigger standard deduction.
All you single people…do you feel like churches handle your singleness well? What did they do that was edifying and what do churches not realize about you?