Seriously, God...why am I so hard on myself?
Does having anxiety make you a failure?
It’s been a little while since my last post, but the last month of school was taxing. The semester is done and summer is closely approaching.
Stress can come from lots of places, but this past month I was caught in the vortex of watching the stock market go on its roller coaster. Money represents different things to different people, but for me it represents security. Here is basic money motivation quiz if you are interested to see how you relate to money.
For me, “You need to feel safe and secure, and you desire the stability and protection that money supposedly provides.” If you take this quiz you may find you have a different relationship with money. Watching my youngest trade Pokemon cards with another kid, I was surprised when other kid gave several free cards to my son and other kids around. There was no real reason for the gesture, but I got the sense he just wanted to be generous. In giving, this child was expressing something else with his “money” than security.
Though we have talked about money up to this point, this post isn’t really about money. It’s about the fact that after feeling anxiety watching the stock market do crazy things, I felt guilty for feeling anxious.
When my body sends me signals that I am anxious and worried two thoughts come to me—I am not sure my anxiety will end, and I feel really stupid for feeling worried at all. Aren’t I supposed to be this strong Christian with a great foundation, so why do I often feel more like turbulent seas than a solid rock? I must lack faith. I feel guilty for that too. One can see the wicked cycle I can get on. What we discussed in one class this semester really gave me some solace—I don’t have to feel so bad when I feel anxiety. I can acknowledge how I feel (good or bad), so reduce my fear of anxiety and change my relationship to it. Why am I afraid of anxiety? It’s because when I feel it I feel like I don’t have enough faith…that I failed. I should be better than this. For those with a performance orientation like myself—I can’t keep fighting only—I have to accept what I am and who Jesus is in the moment.
Many of those in the church can feel guilty for not measuring up spiritually. We can be Christian perfectionists. We may not be perfectionist or masters anywhere else in life, but at least we are good Christians, right? When we fail spiritually it hurts our spiritual pride. To me this is just another form of spiritual performance. But I’m here to say—that’s ok. What do I mean?
There are healthy forms of guilt that lead to repentance, but there are also worldly and destructive forms as well (2 Corinthians 7:8-11). Which sorrow should we have? If you are a “good Christian” you know which it should be. You also know you shouldn’t be on a spiritual performance hamster wheel, but you have been. My point is when you do have earthly sorrow…when you do perform…you don’t have to freeze in shock and spiral. Or maybe you’ve already spiraled.
You are fine.
You are still a child of God and a friend of Christ. We have the Truth, the power of the Holy Spirit, and a will to try to do better next time. Is there more surrender needed? All the time. More faith? Absolutely. More grit? When don’t we? But for those like me who beat themselves up too much and begin to worry more because of it—we need to accept our place in the moment, in life, and in Christ. We are imperfect, finite, and a need for Jesus and the Holy Spirit is a blessing.
It’s like my daughter who is running track for the first time—she is talented, but her form and approach are still very raw. She can win a race on sheer grit, and I can see that grit as she strains past the runner in front of her. She passes them, but it took a lot of effort. When I see the top runners, they have strong form and technique all the way through. They don’t strain because they have a strong foundation. That foundation was built over time and with effective training. Part of my own spiritual faith journey has been accepting my foundation was weaker than I wanted to accept. If I only needed God once a week or once in a while, then that was a good thing. But it’s not. I am running on grit, not strong form. I’ve been running my spiritual race that way for so long. In our shortcomings we need Him and as we abide Him, He will abide in us (John 15:4-11). That is okay.
Do you ever feel guilty when you aren’t as “Christian” as you should have been?
In those moments, how does God truly see us and want from us?