Seriously, God...will I weep like I did when I was in middle school?
"Nothing's gonna tear us apart." Colorvault, Young Oceans "Waterfall"
Post my trip from the west coast I have been thinking a lot about my dad. Visiting new churches, seeing my dad’s side of the family, all got me meditating on him. Instead of cherishing memories I had, I felt that sense of lack of safety and “floating” I have felt from time-to-time after he passed. His love and care was so great that it was hard not to rely on it. I suppose that is the flip side of that kind of closeness. After high school I was ready to leave for the west coast for school, and though I may have made my way back to where my parents lived, I sometimes wonder now if I would have this level of loss or not. It has been over three years and it all still feels so fresh.
With that emotional state brewing in my heart and mind, I happened to be asked to take pictures in the evening at my church’s summer youth retreat. Two of my kids are now attending the very retreat that 20 plus years ago I first attended as a middle school kid. We call this retreat, Abba, after the verse in Romans 8:15 because it was a chance for young people to know the father heart of God.
Like many retreats there is that emotional cycle the kids go through and the peak intensity they feel for life, friends, and spirituality–all capping off with a new t-shirt they can wear throughout the year. Generations of kids have gone through this retreat in the summer, and I remember the first time I went there was this speaker, Doug Easterday, who spoke about God’s love for us and how our parents contribute to that love…and also distort it. Middle School Sam wept like a baby at that retreat, remembering his mom and the things they faced together with her pain and battle with mental health. I found great healing there.
Fast forward to 2024, though I was supposed to be taking pictures for these kids, but I was standing in the middle of the dark sanctuary praying, worshiping, and weeping like my middle school self amongst these kids three fourths my size Early that week, I had spoken to my cousin and her husband who is a pastor in Hong Kong, and he told me something that really spoke to me: for inner healing you need three things.
A truth encounter - God’s truth
A love/power encounter - the Spirit to move us
Continual walking it out - Living in truth daily
This all made a lot of sense, and he was told this very thing by his mentor. What I’ve been feeling I’ve been lacking for a while is God’s sense of love. So that night, with these kids, I just let go in worship and asked God to truly just grip me with his love. I know many talk about avoiding emotional highs and relying on God’s truth, and I agree that truth always has to be there. But there are moments when all I feel are things that feel destructive and dark, so I want to feel something different.
I felt something different that night again, but the difference in the aftermath isn’t that I want that feeling again, but I had a memory that God could show his love to me again. God doesn’t change even though it feels I can become so much more layered and complicated than I was before. He reminded me that there is still hope for me and others around me, which is what I was searching for beyond an emotion. I wanted an anchor point, an ebenezer, and he gave that to me.
With God…as Jim Carrey expresses it best… you are telling me there’s a chance.
There is still a chance for us.
When was your last Ebenezer moment (a time you know the Lord met you)? How long has it been since?
Thank you, Sam, for the courage to be vulnerable n honest, and for your generosity to share. Bless you n love you, bro.