Seriously God...am I stuck in an imaginary mind cage?
With his legacy daddy showed me the whole entire page. The death of me I will hold it and say Messiah's name. S.O. "Augustine's Legacy"
Dying on Valentine’s Day on a Sunday three years ago was an absolutely poetic exit by my dad. He vowed to die on the pulpit preaching (he was a pastor over 30 years), and he will always be remembered by his incessant call—love Jesus and love others. He was all about God’s love.
Three years ago, when we got the hospital’s call that my dad had gone into shock during dialysis and didn’t make it through, I literally prayed on the way to the hospital that they would tell me he passed away after midnight. Hearing he had gone into Sunday, February 14th, even for a few minutes to then breath his last breaths gave me so much comfort standing beside his body. The combination of day (Sunday) and date (Valentine’s) would never be lost on me as God’s masterful story telling. But now even knowing that I was sad thinking about that day this week.
So we have the equation Celebrate Love+Sunday=sad.
To be honest, I was one of those guy’s who called Valentine’s Day a commercial manipulation, but the love I will remember for Valentine’s will forever be linked to my father. Don’t worry, my wife is awesome about it, so this year we celebrated a few days earlier at a nice restaurant.
This past Wednesday (2/14) was also Ash Wednesday, so remembering him that day, eating chocolates my kids brought back from school, and then going to Ash Wednesday service that night felt like strange and quasi ironic mashup. We wish he was here leading the entire church into the Lent period. So it was now:
Love+Sunday+Lent=maybe more sad.
As I prayed at church that evening I did have to appreciate the combination of symbolism though, and I felt led to utter something to God I hadn’t said before:
I miss my dad who always talked about love, but he went back to you preaching to the end and is with you, but yet I still feel the hurt and injury of his loss. But for once I thank you for this hurt and scar left behind. I will be a better and stronger man and servant because I carry this hurt. Without it, I would never become whatever God has in store for me and my family in the future.
Some may say I’m reaching for some way to bring days, dates, and emotional closure together, and maybe I am. But what is my other alternative? Stay trapped in my sadness and doubt? The equation feels like this:
Love+Sunday+Lent+Hurt=still sad and confused.
Sometimes I feel like this bear, Ina, who is in her imaginary cage. Ina walks around a specified area because she still thinks she is caged in a small enclosure, but in reality she has much more room to roam.
The newscaster said Ina has better days than others, and I feel for her. I have better days than others, but have felt like I’ve been in an imaginary cage these past few years.
On this 3rd anniversary of my father’s passing, on Valentine’s Day, at the beginning of Lent, acknowledging my hurt, I don’t want to circle in an imaginary cage of doubt and sadness anymore.
Romans 6:6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
When I think about the scars that have formed from all things related to my dad and the fall out in our church, it puts me back into that cage of doubt. But when I look at my hurt I choose to look at my new scars as necessary to become whoever I’m going to become next. My scars don’t have to lead me back to a cage because I’m free in Jesus. I’m no longer a slave to sin. Jesus, I need your power to help see my life differently now.
Through Christ I can be free from my mind cage.
Going forward I can have Love+Sunday+Lent+Hurt+Jesus=Freedom.
That’s how I’m going to end this week. And Ina, the bear, go on a long walk, girl.
You know you are free in Christ, but yet feel like you are in cage? Share with us your mind cage.
Yes thankful for your vulnerability. I love the part about scars as a necessary part of God plan for you. Our God is in the very business of taking “bad” and turning it for His good purpose. One verse that came to mind for me was Romans 8:37 “no, in all these things, we are more than conquerors, through him who loved us.” I love the “more than conquerors part”. To me it says not only is going He to lead us through the trouble, help us conquer the trouble, but even MORE than just conquering trouble, he is going to weaponize trouble, and turn it back into something that - while the evil one intended in for harm - God will
use for good.
I realized recently that one of the reasons I idolize comfort so much is that I have had it in extra large portions. Perhaps not materially but certainly emotionally and spiritually because of the enduring canopy of love my parents have provided my whole life. As I "try to make my own way" it is scary to leave that safety net, yet also so good because God wants me to know that He is the true refuge.
I mention this because your experience made me consider how much hurt and suffering (a large part on my account) my parents had to endure in order to become the loving people that they are. From my outside perspective, I can only imagine what your dad endured through the years to become the man so clearly defined by "love God and love others".
I was touched in particular by your honest prayer: "But for once I thank you for this hurt and scar left behind. I will be a better and stronger man and servant because I carry this hurt." If we are blessed with Christ-like parents, perhaps this is one way God passes on his love from one generation to the next and uses all things for the good of those called according to his purpose. Thank you for your insightful vulnerability, as always.