Seriously, God...I've convinced myself you work a certain way, but it turns out you don't?
"Promise the just when love grows cold, you'll make it precious again." Sara Groves "Precious Again"
If you remember from the last few years, Kanye West or Ye, co-created a Gospel-oriented album called Jesus is King and was fairly vocal about his relationship with Christ. Many asked if we thought it was a genuine conversion or re-dedication, and when I asked a friend who knew a friend…you know how that chain works…people who “knew” him said it did seem genuine. Some thought it would be amazing if one of the most recognized musical and fashion figures was following Jesus Christ openly. Others wanted to wait and see.
Those who have followed Ye through his life know that his behavior has been “erratic” throughout his career and some have called him bi-polar. Since his encounter with Jesus, he has attempted to run for President, got divorced from Kim Kardashian, and offended the Jewish community. It left many scratching their heads, wondering what was going on in his life?
Most recently, I saw a Christian YouTuber comment on a recent Kanye interview that caught my eye. I won’t post that clip, but here is a short segment clip of the interview itself (someone drops a swear word in the clip early on in case you want that disclaimer):
Ultimately, Kanye’s point was that he had prayed for some important things in his life, Jesus didn’t show up in his words, so he had issues with that and needed to take things into his own hands.
He doesn’t specifically refer to what he prayed about, but one thing I’m going to take a guess on is that a decent portion of his struggles was about his family. Celebrities get divorced all the time, but having four kids together… he looked happy. If you have ever watched the Family Feud episode (sorry that show can be so funny and ridiculous…just look up Family Feud funniest moments) with Kim and Kanye he looks so goofy and happy. On the episode when he said he was a big fan of FF I believe him, and when he was finally on his favorite game show with his family you can’t fake the happiness he was displaying, right? Steve Harvey would call him out otherwise.
Let’s say Ye had prayed that Jesus would save his family when there was growing rockiness because isn’t that what God wants…for his family to stay together…for all them to have the same love for Christ? Isn’t this idea the entire premise of Focus on the Family as a ministry? As we can see their family isn’t in the same situation as it once was, so for Kanye, when Jesus didn’t show up here everything could feel like a contradiction. I completely get this and though I didn’t voice what he did in his interview, I have had the same question in my heart—Jesus, why didn’t you show up these last few years?
I’ve written so much about how losing my dad has had a massive ripple effect in my family and church. The combination of losing a dad, pastor, and mentor has been incredibly hard. It has driven so many questions about my faith, God’s existence, and people’s intentions, but rather than re-hash those sentiments I’m going to propose what I believe is at the root of Ye’s angst and my angst:
In the last few years, Kanye wanted to keep his family together in a specific way, in a specific context. I won’t imagine what that is, but I’ll assume he had something in mind that was his ideal. And those assumptions 100% felt like and were advertised to him as something God promotes—God wants to redeem you and your family.
The last three years, I wanted my church and life to be at a spiritual level that I was told would be achieved if we followed God wholeheartedly—if you follow Jesus, you will experience God. My view was that experience had to be mostly positive in nature. To me that felt like 100% within God’s promise and scripture. I’m not saying prosperity, but I’m saying we will be blessed by God if we truly follow.
We both seemed to expect something to happen that was backed by others and scripture, but yet it didn’t work out that way. So we feel like “Jesus didn’t show up.” It was a contradiction that breaks our mental model of how Jesus works.
I know many will say my mental model was likely ill-formed, morphed into something theologically unbalanced, or just wrong from the beginning. They are probably right,1 but what I will say for myself is that if it was God’s will to break my unsanctified mental model about who Jesus is and how he works, then that is good thing. Honestly, what I have simply done in response as an adult-child is throw a massive fit about it.
Someone may tell me that my faith needs to mature, and I need to think more like a mature adult than a child who is disappointed in not getting his way. Yes, I am admitting I am much more like my first grader who gets really upset when his dad gives him the wrong version of a Goldfish snack (I bought him a regular cheddar versus rainbow colored). I wouldn’t call him spoiled, but rather he just wanted something so specific, so badly, and can’t see beyond the immediate disappointment.
Here has been my progression: a). expecting a specific outcome in my life rooted in my potentially off-kilter beliefs, b). continually experiencing massive disappointment, and c). responding with child-like tantrums. So what’s next? Mightily distract myself and keep busy is an option I have chosen before OR
Face God’s truth about how he truly is and how he works,
Respond in repentance and worship, and
Fight off the crazy thoughts in Jesus’ name that try to bring me back to dwell in a, b, or c above.
I know the answer is the latter and it has to be all of that together, not just one part. I can’t just quickly read the Bible like casting a spell, put it down, and expect something to happen. I can’t just accept an idea as something good and move on. I can’t just replace negative thoughts ideas with positive thoughts. I’m just annoyed, ok? I’m sorry. God give me the strength to get over it.
People say that our Christian faith journey can be like a roller coaster and it certainly feels like it’s a combination of uncontrollably slipping between all these stages and choices above. What keeps me trending up though? My memories of what was good and hope for a future with purpose and promise that only my Creator could provide.
He will lift us up.
I will disagree with Ye when he said that we sometimes need to take more things in our hands, but rather we need to let go more of our preconceived mental models and expectations about who Jesus really is and how he really works. But I will agree with him that we need to respond to our troubles with purpose and vigor. My mental model of how You work cracked, but no humpty dumpty here.
What disappointment in your life has “broken” your view of Jesus? Where are you now in your response?
I know there is clear scripture that talks about family and how they may not always stay the way we want (Luke 12:51-53 and Luke 14:25-34), and there is cost to following Jesus. Also that God can choose as he wills for his good purpose (Romans 9-11). These are absolutely verses that I have been meditating on and are giving me encouragement because they are truth.