Seriously, God...when will I care less about what others think of me?
I see others through the lens of my 14 year old self rather than my 44 year old self.
My youngest had a field day during the last week of Elementary school. Pirate themed and true blue skies as the backdrop, the fields behind the school were transformed into an outdoor labyrinth of different pirate stations. I found my way through to the “Cannons Away” station, a tee ball spot with ship targets and the grand prize of longest cannon shot.
Kids in Kindergarten through Fifth funneled through our station, and the older kids sought to launch the ball as far as they could and the little ones were happy to just make contact. When the kids would hit, many would take their three at-bats and then quickly go back into their designated line. Interestingly, for some of the younger kids and even some older ones after each hit they would pause and then look back at the next kid in line or even at me to fish for our reaction to their at-bat. Would we be laughing when they grounded out? Did we snicker when they whiffed? It was a quick glance and you’d barely notice it, but it was apparent some kids really cared about what others thought about their mistakes and others did not. What the kids who looked back didn’t realize is how much of their concentration they were breaking when they did that. Their next hit was never better than the first one. It was those kids who whiffed on their first, then repositioned and focused who did better. I feel like I’m always looking over my back to see who is watching me with a critical eye.
Not everyone grows up as a pastor's kid like I did, but most all know the stereotypes–wildly rebellious or choir angel. Regardless of which version, one thing holds true for both–most everyone in your church is watching you and forming an opinion of you. Same goes for every kid whose parents were some kind of leader in their church. Some spotlights are bigger than others, but when you swing and miss in life you wait to see who is judging you. But is anyone really watching me still? Even if they are, does it matter what they are thinking? Can what they think really change the immediate course of my life?
The answer most times is no. Yet I want to know they still approve of me. The bigger insight here is I’m middle aged, and I still think like I’m in middle school. It’s weird. My “Christian” self says that caring about what others think of me is a version of loving others. I’m not sure that’s completely accurate. We should consider how we are affecting people, but when that 3rd grade girl swung at a ball on a tee, missed, and peered back into my eyes to see how I would react, she wasn’t doing that for me. When I overthink about what people think of me, I’m not doing that to love them. If it’s not helping me or helping others it’s time to move forward.
When you care so deeply about what others think of you, do ever explain it away as something you do to love them?
Thank you for being so vulnerable. I am not the pastors kid but I do understand where you are coming from. Being the oldest daughter in my family I often worry about what people thought of me and how I might affect people. I still struggle with that but sometimes you just can't help it. But my question is would that count as people pleasing? Upholding a certain persona because you are afraid people might think negatively of you?