Seriously, God...why is going to church alone with my son so hard?

"I don't have to pretend like everything's okay. That's not what Jesus meant when he said to have faith." Victory "I Don't Have to Pretend"

Since I had my son, I really haven't been able to attend church.

The few times that I have attended church, I felt drained and just mentally absent. Some churches provide nurseries and some don't.  I have been to churches that have an area for toddlers and babies, but one of the parents has to be present and supervise their child. Some of the adult's there in the nursery had an option that I didn't have and that was being allowed to actually attend service while my partner or husband watches our child.

While I was in the nursery I remember being just mentally tired and drained. I couldn't even focus on the word because I was too busy keeping up with my son and answering questions of other adults in the room. I got many questions about his ethnic background, age and then I got asked "Where is your husband?” It took me a couple of seconds to utter the words…I don't have a husband. In that moment I felt guilt and shame.

My son won't grow up in a household with both of his parents like I did. I feel like I failed him as a mother. I feel so much shame when I go to church. I still have friends from church who have been supportive and encouraging. I appreciate them for sure but on the flipside I feel like I have lost some church friends when I became pregnant.I even had one person bluntly ask me why I had a child out of wedlock if I considered myself Christian. I…again felt shame and embarrassment…told the person that it's between me and God.

I tried going to a church where my son sits in service with me, but he is not patient and I feel embarrassed because he is acting out…so I don't go often. I asked myself numerous times…what is the purpose of going when I can't fully concentrate on God and if I am just always drained physically, spiritually, emotionally and I feel low-key judged by certain people in church.

Growing up I have always been seen as “the church girl”...now my identity is a single mom. There are moments that I don’t feel like God’s daughter anymore because I feel like I disappointed him. I didn’t trust him and rushed things and now I am left raising a little boy to be a man. I am a woman and I don’t know anything about being a man and the struggles they face. Not only do I not know about being a man, but I don’t know anything about being a black man nor an Asian man.

"No doubt about it: children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a divine reward." Psalm127:3

I know that God is with me even through all of this. Motherhood is going to be challenging, but I know that it’s going to be okay because he has placed me where he wants me to be. Although I may not know how to raise a boy to a man, I can rely on God’s guidance and wisdom with the help of the men God has placed in my life. I know that with God I will be okay. I just ask him to give me the wisdom and strength to be a great mother that my son needs. I am going to try my best to attend church regardless of the passive judgmental people that may be in the church. I also want my son to experience and develop a strong foundation with God so that in the future he can lead his family and be a man of God just like his grandfather and great grandfather. Until next time…

“Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her” -John 8:7

P.S. Happy Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month! And Happy Mothers day to all the mothers and mother figures!!! Stay safe and stay blessed!!! 

---

• We can all feel some passive judgment from other Christians. Tell us about those experiences? Or we have all cast a stone when we had no right, when did you do that?

---